Hester Hill Schnipper Photo courtesy of Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center
A TERM THAT BECAME POPULAR with the rise of online dating, ghosting refers to the baffling experience that occurs when someone suddenly cuts off all contact with another person without warning or explanation. Unfortunately, many people with cancer can find themselves on the receiving end of this abrupt and strange silence—called cancer ghosting.
It can be shocking and painful when a close friend or family member suddenly stops returning calls or responding to texts and emails. When that friend or family member provides no explanation, you’re left to wonder what you might have done to cause this behavior.
In my many years of experience working with patients, I’m convinced all cancer survivors will experience a form of cancer ghosting at some point during or after their treatment. Here are ways to emerge whole when parts of your support system go missing.
1) Acknowledge your pain. You have a right to feel hurt when someone you thought you could count on lets you down.
2) Remind yourself that a loved one’s sudden disappearance is often related to that person’s fears, which have little to do with you.
3) Set aside negative feelings so you can focus on getting well. You can always come back to these emo tions when your body has healed.
4) Look for unexpected kindness. Sometimes people you could never have guessed would be supportive end up being the ones who show up when you need them most.
5) Share your experiences with other cancer survivors through support groups or similar programs. Most cancer survivors have been ghosted at some point during or after treatment. It can be comforting to know you are not alone.
6) Consider writing a letter to your missing person to share your hurt feelings. Letter writing provides a chance for you to thoughtfully examine your emotions and gives the recipient time and space to consider a response.
7) If you are expressing your disappointment, try to focus on how that person’s absence makes you feel rather than making accusations. You may say something like “I miss you,” instead of “You haven’t called me in months.”
8) Take notice of those who stand by your side. While an unfortunate experience, being ghosted can free you to make new friends and become closer to others.
9) When you have finished treatment, revisit how you feel about the experience. Perhaps you will decide this relationship no longer serves you, or maybe you will long for an explanation and a chance to start anew.
No matter how you choose to move forward, reaching out to someone who has gone dark takes courage and involves risk. It is possible that you won’t hear back from the person who has ghosted you. It is also possible that you will receive an apology and an explanation that could help to ease your mind. It’s up to you whether it is worth your effort to resume a relationship. Choose wisely, and be well.
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